Windows Naming Conventions

I think it’s funny how Windows randomly names their Operating Systems.

They started off all normal…
Windows 3.1
Windows 3.2
Windows 95 (uh, ok)
Windows 2000 (I see what we’re doing now)
Windows XP (Wait, what?)
Windows Vista (What’s going on here?)
Windows 7

Granted, Windows 7 is still in Beta and might get a snazzy new name. It’s just funny to me that it’s just going by 7 right now.

My Poem

I thought I saw a friend today
who had recently passed away.
I squinted to see him on this bright summer day
And when I looked at him
I thought he looked my way.
But he was not there, my eyes tricked by the sun
And I was relieved, for I thought the zombie apocalypse had just begun.

The REAL history of the Pennsylvania Omicron Chapter of Phi Delta Theta

This was the speech I gave at the 10 year anniversary of the founding of the Pennsylvania Omicron chapter of Phi Delta Theta:

The REAL History of PA Omicron
by Justin Kaufman

We’ve all probably read the history of the Pennsylvania Omicron chapter of Phi Delta Theta. It’s concise, to the point, and almost all true.

It reads essentially like this:

“In early 1996, eight men met in the recreation room of Naugle Hall, a campus dormitory at Shippensburg University. It was there that I described my visit to the Phi Delta Theta chapter at the Rochester Institute of Technology. My older brother Clinton is a Phi from RIT, and while visiting him I had seen a successful Phi Delta Theta chapter in action. Convinced that the ideals and beliefs of my brother’s fraternity were exactly what was missing at Shippensburg, I set out to form a chapter of Phi Delta Theta at Shippensburg University.”

That’s sort of how it happened. It certainly sounds good. But I thought today I’d talk about the REAL history of the Pennsylvania Omicron Chapter of Phi Delta Theta.

Like I said, it’s almost all true. My brother is a Phi and he went to RIT. I was in high school and I remember Clint coming home after being initiated and I had all sorts of questions for him.

“What’s it like being in a Frat?”

He said, “I wouldn’t know. I’m in a Fraternity.”

“What’s the difference?”

“A Fraternity is a brotherhood of men with similar ideals. We are respectable and do work for our community. A Frat is a bunch of losers who just get together and party.”

I said, “You don’t party?”

He said, “Well, yeah, we’re a social fraternity, so actually we party a lot.”

“So how is that different from a Frat?”

“It’s public perception. It’s about respect. Look, you wouldn’t call your country a… (well, you know what). You don’t call your fraternity a frat.”

Made sense I think.

“So what kind of things did you do when you pledged?”

He said, “I can’t tell you that.”

I said, “What was initiation like?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Do you have a secret handshake?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Why not??”

“You are not a brother of Phi Delta Theta.”

I said, “But I’m YOUR brother.”

He said, “It doesn’t matter. If you want to know these things, go to a school that has a Phi Delta Theta chapter.”

I was intrigued. A brotherhood my own brother held at least equal to our own.

I looked at a lot of different schools before settling on Shippensburg. I almost didn’t come here because there was no Phi Delta Theta. But there was a greek system and I thought that worst case, I’d have my own set of secrets from a different fraternity.

Now, you might be thinking “Wait a minute, what was all that about visiting RIT and seeing a successful chapter in action?” That did happen. Sort of.

I did visit my brother at RIT, and as a good older brother does, he took me to a party. THAT is where I saw a successful Fraternity in action.

It sounds funny, but it’s true. I witnessed the bond of brotherhood that they shared. It all became clear to me when a certain song by Dennis Leary came on. Hopefully most of you know the song, but there is a part where he spells out a certain word, then says “Everybody!” and repeats the spelling. Well, when Dennis Leary said “everybody” the New York Eta chapter must have thought he meant it, because everybody, no matter what they were doing shouted along and stomped or pounded on whatever was around them.

It was quite a sight and I thought, “I want to be a part of THIS.”

But I chose to come to Shippensburg. So while Phi Delt was out of the question, I decided to find what I was looking for in the existing greek system. Only I couldn’t. I attended many a party, met with many a fraternity brother, but I never felt it. Maybe my expectations were too high, but it felt like something was missing.

I talked to my brother about it. That’s when he dropped a bomb on me. “Why not start a chapter of Phi Delta Theta yourself?”

Start a chapter? A regular kid like me could do that? That seemed like a rather huge undertaking.

My brother said, “Sure, Phi Delt is always looking to expand. I’ll make some calls to General Headquarters.” GHQ.

Before I knew it I was in contact with a man named Rich Fabritius at GHQ. He said he was sending me some materials and the guidebook with the steps to create a new chapter of Phi Delta Theta.

And he did. I literally got a guidebook with 10 steps required to become a colony of Phi Delta Theta. First you become and Interest Group, then you become a Colony, THEN you become a Fraternity. I was now the official Interest Group.

Step one of the guidebook: Recruit 25 members.

Whoa. Most of the fraternities on campus didn’t have 25 active members.

It wasn’t actually step one, but it was the step that looked the most challenging. So, I started recruiting.

Just so you know, getting 25 guys willing to be in a fraternity when they don’t have to pledge is easy. Getting 25 guys willing to put in the work to accomplish the other 9 steps, not so easy.

See, normally the way a new chapter of Phi Delta Theta starts, GHQ targets a school with a solid Greek system that is looking to expand. Sometimes the schools themselves contact Phi Delta Theta. Either way, GHQ sends representatives to recruit Interest Group members. GHQ then actively guides those members to Colony status.

We were doing what was called “a cold start”. GHQ had no real interest in a chapter at Shippensburg University where Greek life was faltering. Shippensburg University for the same reason had no interest in bringing a new fraternity into an already failing system. We had our work cut out for us and no real support. Just a book with 10 steps.

In the beginning membership fluctuated a lot. We hovered around 18 guys who seemed willing to put forth the effort it was going to take to make Phi Delta Theta at SHIP a reality.

The first order of business: Campus recognition. If Ship wasn’t willing to allow a new fraternity, we were stopped dead in our tracks.

So, around 18 of us went before the very intimidating director of greek affairs, Mr. Marvin Worthy. He was a large man who never smiled and was not interested in expanding the greek system.

We stated our case for becoming a new fraternity. He said he liked our enthusiasm, but the greek system was struggling and didn’t need another Fraternity at the moment. Why didn’t we take our ideals and all join one of the smaller Fraternities. Essentially he was suggesting a hostile takeover since the 18 of us would outnumber a lot of the current rosters.

That probably would have worked. But we insisted we had dedicated ourselves to Phi Delta Theta. We also convinced him that a new fraternity might just bring the spark the greek system needed. Generate interest in the system. All fraternities could benefit.

He didn’t exactly give us his blessing, but he said he wouldn’t stand in our way. So we left the meeting on a very high note. After the summer break we’d recruit a few more members and we’d be well on our way to Colony status.

Only it didn’t work out that way. We returned from summer break to find out our numbers had been reduced by more than half. Some of the guys just didn’t come back to Ship. A few stated they were going to take Marvin Worthy’s advice and join an existing Fraternity. Some just thought it was hopeless and quit. That left 8 of us. Dan Lapenta, Dan Borrelli, Rich Dietz, Mark Maholick, Tim Finkey, Ben Castiglioni, Ed Borkenhagen and myself.

It was the smallest the group had been since I started recruiting. We decided it was probably hopeless. Our strength had been our numbers and now we didn’t even have that.

We prepared to have one final meeting and officially disband the interest group. I sent an email to Rich Fabritius to let him know we had failed and to thank him for the opportunity.

I got a response later that day. “Don’t give up yet. We’re sending help.”

So, as the written history says, “eight men met in the recreation room of Naugle Hall, a campus dormitory at Shippensburg University.” And I told them GHQ was sending help. We weren’t finished yet.

Headquarters sent an adviser who told us not to worry about numbers for now. We were to work on the other 9 steps, work on building the brotherhood between the 8 of us, and only then, start recruiting.

And that’s what we did. We started having meetings according to Robert’s Rule’s of Order. We elected officers. We worked as a cohesive unit. Also, Ben Castiglioni and myself attended Leadership College. There we learned recruitment tactics and brought back a new energy to the interest group. We began recruiting quality men who understood and were enthusiastic about the hard work we were under taking.

While we were at Leadership College, we asked if we could wear the Phi Delta Theta letters. We were told yes, just nothing with the crest. Fair enough.

As our numbers continued to grow, we started organizing letter days. Every one of us would wear our blue Phi Delta Theta letter shirts, with the silver letters. We were suddenly a presence on campus. It seemed like everywhere you looked you saw those silver Phi Delta Theta letters. You could hear the buzz around campus. Who was Phi Delta Theta?

Then one morning at some time around 7am my phone rang. Anybody in college right now can appreciate how early that is. It was Marvin Worthy. He said, “I’ve received reports of men wearing Phi Delta Theta letters around campus.” I told him we were allowed to wear the letters, just not the crest. He called back half an hour later, “I’ve spoken with Phi Delta Theta General Headquarters. You are not authorized to wear Phi Delta Theta letters until you have been officially colonized.” *click*

Well, damn.

But it didn’t matter. It had worked. Our name was out there. People knew there was a new Fraternity forming. Plus, it was always fun to see a member wearing a sweatshirt, and underneath it you saw the tip of a Delta poking out of the collar. We wore the letters in secret meetings and held secret initiations ceremonies for new recruits. We were truly a secret society. And, we had 29 members.

We still had one more major hurdle to overcome. GHQ required that Shippensburg want Phi Delta Theta on campus. This meant we needed approval from Marvin Worthy. Since Ship was not looking to expand Greek Life, Marvin Worthy put it on us to convince the rest of the Fraternities on campus that Ship needed to expand. In other words, we had to go before the campus Inter-Fraternity Council (IFC) and convince the existing fraternities to let us into the Greek system. A majority vote was all that was needed.

There were 13 fraternities at Ship at the time so we needed 7 votes. That was a tall order. But we put together our best team of 5 guys and went before the IFC and presented our case. Our basic premise was the same as it was to Marvin Worthy – a new Fraternity will spark interest in the greek system. Not everybody who rushed was going to be interested in joining Phi Delta Theta. Those people would then likely look to the other fraternities and hopefully everyone would experience a surge in membership because of the buzz we were creating.

The IFC members were to take back the information to their respective fraternities, vote, then come back the next week and vote on behalf of their Fraternity. We were one week away from one of the last steps to becoming a colony.

Only we weren’t. The following week, not all of the fraternities showed up so the vote was postponed. The same thing the next few weeks, then suddenly it was winter break and I was told they were going to vote first thing next semester. After the break in the new semester I was asked to come back in to answer a few last questions for the IFC members before the vote. I asked if I should bring everybody, and I was told that just me would be fine, in case of any last minute questions.

So I went by myself.

As it turns out, THIS was their last minute question: “Most of the fraternities have new IFC delegates this semester, so could you just go over what you said last semester again?”

I said, “Which part?”

They said, “All of it.”

I was NOT at all prepared for that. I stumbled through the whole thing, and tried to cover everything I could. It was a mess.

Then I was told the worst thing of all. Two of the fraternities hadn’t showed up, so they weren’t even going to vote. Maybe next time.

I knew the two fraternities were definitely “No” votes. But at the same time, I knew I hadn’t convinced anybody in that room to vote for us that night. But I decided to take my chances. I said, “We’ve done everything you’ve asked of us. Why do we keep getting punished because other fraternities can’t be bothered to show up? They knew the vote was tonight.” The IFC president agreed and decided to hold the vote without them. I was asked to leave while they voted.

As I walked back to College Park I thought I had made a mistake. I shouldn’t have pushed for the vote. I should have asked for another shot to speak, but this time with a prepared crew. I walked in the door of the aprtment and I was totally disheveled. Ed Borkenhagen took one look at me and was like “What happened to you? You look like somebody died!”

I just looked at him and said, “I blew it.”

Later that night I got the call. The vote was counted.

The original vote had been 5 to 5 with one abstention. The IFC president had been about to announce that we had not obtained the majority vote when Frank, from Lambda Chi said, “Wait, there is one more vote that needs to be counted.”

Now it’s important to note that Frank had been one of the Phi Delta Theta interest group members who had gone with us to meet with Marvin Worthy the first time. However, after the summer break, he abandoned the interest group to join Lambda Chi.

Frank said, “Lambda Chi votes yes.”

I later found out that prior to the IFC vote, Lambda Chi had actually voted against us by the slimmest of margins. He was supposed to vote no, but he went against his own fraternity and voted for us, because he too had believed in what we were trying to accomplish.

Final vote: 6 to 5. We were in.

A few amazing things happened that night. Two fraternities that held the power to make the vote 7 to 6 against us didn’t show up. And then there was that final vote from Frank and Lambda Chi.

Our history reads:

“Convinced that the ideals and beliefs of his brother’s fraternity were exactly what was missing at Shippensburg, Kaufman set out to form a chapter of Phi Delta Theta at Shippensburg University.”

I may have been the one to start this great chapter, but it was the hard work and dedication of first 8 and from there 29 members that brought this fraternity from a dream to a reality.

The rest of our history says:

“On April 4, 1998, the Pennsylvania Omicron Interest Group was officially colonized. The colony by now had twenty-nine members, each distinctly individual, but also bound by a bond of brotherhood as strong as any other. These twenty-nine men will forever be remembered as the Founding Fathers of Pennsylvania Omicron.

Less than a year later, on March 26, 1999 the Founding Fathers and four members of the first pledge class known as the Alpha Class were initiated into Phi Delta Theta. The following day, the fraternity was officially installed as a chapter and granted a charter from Phi Delta Theta headquarters.”

And that is the real history of the Pennsylvania Omicron Chapter of Phi Delta Theta at Shippensburg University.

I look around this room and I see that the hard work that went into this Fraternity has obviously paid off. Four fraternities at Shippensburg have failed since our initiation, yet Phi Delta Theta is still going strong.

Cheers, to 10 great years and here’s to 10 more. Thank you.

Sprint Blackberry Site is Not Secure!

If you are one of the many people who have picked up the iPhone competitor Blackberry Storm, do NOT set up your Blackberry settings through Sprint’s website: http://sprint.blackberry.com/

It is not a secure site (as of this posting) as you can see there is no padlock. When you enter your information, it is open to be used by anybody listening to internet transactions. In other words, when you submit your password, it’s not secure.

Instead, use this SECURE site:
https://bis.na.blackberry.com/html?brand=sprint

Why Sprint would put up an unsecured site is beyond me. However, a friend of mine with his shiny new Blackberry has already had his Gmail account hacked.

Thanks Sprint.

I Voted. Yo No Voté.

I made a post about this on the Corduroy Ninja comics forums, but I thought it might warrant a blog post as well.

First of all, congratulations to Barrack Obama.  This is the first time a president I have voted for has won.  However, I think now that the elections are over, I’m officially changing my voter registration to Libertarian.  I know I’m kind of losing out on the primaries by doing that, but I’ve totally lost faith in the two-party system (bot parties are the same these days anyway).  I figure one more person registered for the best third party option out there can only help things.   But I digress.

I went to the voting station last night after work and was pleasantly surprised to find no line at all.  I punched the screen, voted for the people I knew anything about, and was on my way.  Nice and easy.

But here is why I’m even writing about this.  I got my “I Voted” sticker. Much to my dismay it also said, “Yo Voté”.

Is it really necessary to have Spanish subtext on our voting stickers? If I moved to Mexico, became a citizen, and voted in their elections and my sticker had a Mexican flag and read, “Yo Voté”, I really don’t think I’d need it to be subtitled in English for me to understand what’s happening.

To become a citizen of the United States of America, you are required to be able to “read, write, and speak English.” (US Immigration)

You have to be a citizen to vote.  Therefore, I don’t think I’m out of line in my thinking that “Yo Voté” has no place on our stickers here in America.

Would you eat it? Have you eaten it?

*Stolen from Shelby (who crossed off way to many things!)

Here’s a chance for a little interactivity for all the bloggers out there. Below is a list of 100 things that I think every good omnivore should have tried at least once in their life. The list includes fine food, strange food, everyday food and even some pretty bad food – but a good omnivore should really try it all. Don’t worry if you haven’t, mind you; neither have I, though I’ll be sure to work on it. Don’t worry if you don’t recognise everything in the hundred, either; Wikipedia has the answers.

Here’s what I want you to do:

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten. (You can add an * for your favorites.)
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating (or underline, if crossing out isn’t an option).
4) Optional extra: Post a comment here at www.verygoodtaste.co.uk linking to your results.

The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea - I didn’t know you could make tea with Nettles.  I’m just used to getting stung by them!
3. Huevos rancheros - does the Bob Evan’s Border Scramble count?
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue*
8. Carp (who eats carp?  They are so bony!)
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari*
12. Pho (bleh!)
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Époisses de Bourgogne
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters*
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas*
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi (Mango Lassi) - Bhang Lassi looks interesting!
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar*
37. Clotted cream tea – sounds delicious!
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut*
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer**
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini**
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin This appears to be a rock.
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs – Really does taste like chicken
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill This doesn’t seem healthy
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum**
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare - I’m counting wild rabbit
87. Goulash
88. Flowers – Honeysuckle*
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish – Bullhead*
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox* – only fresh lox, those store bought spreads are gross
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Well, I only crossed out three, and two of them weren’t actually be food.  I would love to try a raw scotch bonnet pepper, but I don’t want my tongue literally burned and I don’t want to even think about the pain that would induce later on.  If it came down to it, I could work my way up to a Scotch Bonnet, but the best I can do now is Habenero.

The rest of it I’d definitely try.  I might not like it, but I’d try it.

*EDIT – 6/18/2009:  I’ve eaten a few more things on the list!

Does this dream taste funny to you?

I had a dream last night about a dirty old homeless guy and a clown sitting together on a street corner.  The homeless guy was trying to get the clown to cheer up.  I woke up and thought, “That’s irony.”

Heath Ledger 2.0

We can rebuild him.  We have the technology.

Nah, we’ll just replace him.

This weekend I finally got around to watching The Lookout with Joseph Gorden-Levitt (you know, that kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun).  If you know me, you know I’m not the type to watch a movie as soon as it comes out.  I think it all comes back to hating movie theaters.  Anyway, it was a great flick, but I didn’t realize until this movie that Joseph Gorden-Levitt is the new Heath Ledger.

They may not be identical, but they are eerily similar.  Joeseph Gordon-Levitt could do a reprise of the Joker in an upcoming Batman.  Or maybe they killed off the Joker in this one.  I don’t know yet.  I told you, it takes me a while to see new movies.

Personal assistance

I want a personal assistant that does all the stuff I don’t like doing. Like working. And somebody would be like, “How do you like your job?” and I’d just call up my personal assistant and find out. Man. That would rule.

Liquor in the front…

For some reason on my way to lunch the other day I was pondering which of the liquors is the most manly of them all. I decided to list them in descending order of macho and give the reasoning for each. Enough talk, lets get to it.

The Top 12 Liquors for Real Men

12. Vermouth

Vermouth is a fortified wine flavored with herbs and spices. There are three types, Dry, Sweet and Red.

Pros:

Puts the Dry in Dry Martini.

Cons:

Vermouth is a sidekick. It’s like the Robin of liquors, and pretty much everybody thinks Robin is gay. Plus, one of the options is Sweet? Get out of here. In fact, I don’t even think vermouth is considered a liquor. Next!

My Pick:

Any dry vermouth will do.

11. Sambuca/Ouzo

These are not the same, but pretty close. They are both anise flavored liqueurs, popular in the Mediterranean.

Pros:

Tastes like black licorice, which means most chicks hate it. Also, the Greeks shout “Opa!” when they take a slug of Ouzo. Any drink that gets its own cheer is alright by me.

Cons:

Anise is an unfortunate name for a plant. I was once in line behind an older lady at the grocery store. She was only buying a few items including anise. The young check out clerk saw it and said, “Whoa! What is that, some kind of alien broccoli??” The lady responded quietly, “No, it’s anise.” He said, “ANUS!? Anus ain’t no plant I ever heard of!” The lady turned bright red and said, “An-ISS.” He then shouted to another kid bagging at another register, “Yo, Jamal, you ever heard of an ANUS plant?” Jamal responded with a “Naw man.” Meanwhile, the lady was pleading, “It’s an-ISS! An-ISS. Fennel! It’s also called Fennel!” He then looked at me and said, “Man, you ever heard of an ANUS plant??” I said, “Yeah, anise, it’s what they flavor black licorice with. And Sambuca.” He said, “No kidding. I never knew ANUS tasted like licorice. This job is crazy.”

My Pick:

I swear I once had Sambuca in a bottle that said “Zambooka” on it. I can’t seem to find any evidence of it on the internet though. I recall a black label with the word in big silly letters down the side. For the longest time I thought that was how it was really spelled. If it exists, that’s my pick. If it doesn’t, it should.

10. Jägermeister

Jäger is a strong dark liqueur made of secret ingredients.

Pros:

Jägermeister means “Master Hunter.” Master Hunter sounds more bad-ass than Master Chief in Halo, and we all know that’s pretty damn bad-ass. Also, legend has it that Jäger is made with real deer blood. I doubt that is true, but you know it’s a manly drink when there is a stag on the bottle, and it has a bad-ass name, and it’s ingredients are not only secret, but might contain animal blood. I bet if you drink enough you’ll want to run off into the woods and chase down more deer, kill them with your bare hands, then howl at the moon while you eat your prey.

Cons:

Even with all that testosterone inducing theory, the fact remains that Jäger is a liqueur, not a liquor. It’s 70 proof, which is good for a liqueur, but paltry for a liquor. So, while it may beat up on the Kahlua, Chambord, and Schnapps, once it gets into the ring with some real drinks, it’s suddenly not such a tough cookie.

My Pick:

Uhhhh… how about Jägermeister?

9. Rum

Rum is made from sugarcane and primarily hails from the Caribbean.

Pros:

Rum gains points for being the favored drink of pirates. It would have gained more points if it were the favored drink of ninjas. However, sake is the favored drink of ninjas and sake is a rice wine, not a liquor.

But, back to the rum. It’s nearly impossible to slur the word “rum” when you are drunk, thus allowing you to maintain an appearance of sobriety when needing another drink. “More rum” can be said by the drunkest of us, although there may be a tendency to hum the last bit: “More rummmmm.” This effect can be counteracted around Christmas if you slyly add “pum pum pum” to the end. A bartender may think you are sober enough to remember the words to The Little Drummer Boy, so you must be sober enough for more rum.

Another pro is the sheer proof rum can obtain. Rum averages 80 proof, however, many go higher. Bacardi 151 is a popular example, but other “overproof” rums go as high as 160 proof! I’ve had the overproof rums. You taste much less sugar and feel a lot more of the cane. A burning cane being shoved down your throat. Good times.

Cons:

I think rum is the favored drink of a lot of women. This is most likely because it is made from sugarcane and thus a bit sweet. It also mixes well with many a fruit. Let’s face it, daiquiris and piña coladas don’t top the list of manly drinks. So, despite it’s potential toughness and links to treasure and wenches, rum rates low on the list.

My Pick:

Appleton Estate V/X – Distilled in Jamaica since 1749, they know what the hell they are doing.

8. Grain alcohol

Almost pure ethenol, grain alcohol is not made for it’s flavor, but rather for it’s bite.

Pros:

Weighing in at a wopping 190 proof, grain alcohols are only for the strongest of the strong. When not being used as a cleaning agent, grain alcohol has been known as the number one ingredient of a nasty fruit punch known as Jungle Juice. Jungle Juice is generally made in a large trash barrell and consumed by binge drinking college kids. You know only a man would offer up his trash bin to make a party drink and only another man would think that it was one heck of an idea.

Cons:

Many a poor sap has chugged grain alcohol to prove their manhood and found themselves waking up dead. That’s not manly, it’s just stupid.

My Pick:

Everclear is the grain alcohol of choice, wherever it hasn’t been banned.

7. Brandy

Brandy is distilled wine, generally between 80 and 120 proof.

Pros:

Somebody out there thought, “This wine is okay, but let’s kick this stuff up a notch!” You know that had to be a man. Brandy also is a great compliment to a great cigar. That’s pretty damn manly. Also, brandy is the determining factor in a great eggnog. Nog. That word was definitely made up by a man. You know some guy was sitting at home and the only things in the fridge were some milk and eggs. He mixed it together, threw in some brandy and as his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth he grunted, “Nog.” And it was good.

Cons:

Chicks are named Brandy all the time. That can’t be a good sign.

My Pick:

There are several types of brandy depending on where it is distilled (Cognac, Armagnac, etc). I don’t know too much about brandy, but Busta Rhymes said “Pass the Courvoisier” so if it’s good enough for Busta, it’s good enough for me.

6. Vodka

Vodka is colorless, and supposedly odorless and tasteless, but I think vodka has a distinct smell and flavor.

Pros:

Averaging from 80 to 100 proof, vodka can do some damage. Many a night’s memory has been lost to me due to some 100 proof Shmirnoff.

Vodka can be mixed with about anything including OJ, tonic, cranberry juice, etc. You name it, there is probably a vodka drink for that ingredient.

Vodka is also the favored drink of burly Russian men who have no concept of the word cold because they have never felt warmth, besides the heat of vodka in their bellies. I don’t know, maybe it’s not always that cold in Russia, but Napoleon and Hitler didn’t fail there because of the light winters.

Cons:

The versatility of the vodka is a highlight and a drawback. Because you can really fru-fru up a vodka drink, women definitely do not shy away from it. Including my drunk Russian neighbor. I know what you are thinking, “But you just said Russians add credibility to Vodka!” You’re right, but my drunk Russian neighbor is a woman, or at least resembles one on occasion. So, if vodka is the drink of choice for lady drunks, or at least the only one I know, then I think vodka takes a hit.

Also, vodka comes in a lot of different flavors including Vanilla, Orange, Lemon and other made for women flavors. The regular vodkas can thank their fruity counter-parts for holding them back.

My Pick:

I’m going to go with a popular favorite: Grey Goose. I know a lot of people swear by Kettle One, but I’ve never noticed a discernible difference.

5. Tequila

Made in Mexico from the blue agave plant.

Pros:

Tequila is one of those drinks that you either love or you hurl instantly upon smelling it. Most men’s first foray into alcohol induced puking is a result of one too many shots of Jose Cuervo. It’s understandable, because shots of tequila are cheap and exciting. You lick the salt off your hand, throw back the shot and bite into the lime and hold on for dear life. If you survive, you can feel the new chest hairs growing and you suddenly realize you have grown a moustache. Men from Mexico shave their moustaches daily, so you can tell who the real drinkers are by the size of their stache by the end of the day.

Cons:

I could really only think of one con: Margaritas and Tequila Sunrises. Both of these drinks tend to be fruity and sweet and enjoyed by the ladies. Not that there is anything wrong with drinking margaritas, but if the drink doesn’t make a chick say, “Ew, gross” it’s not topping the testosterone charts.

My Pick:

Patrón Añejo. If you’ve sworn off tequila, taste some of this and understand what it means to drink good tequila.

4. Mezcal

Tequila’s oft misunderstood cousin. Basically, it’s any spirit made from an agave plant other than the blue agave.

Pros:

It has an MF’n worm in it!

Cons:

It has an MF’n worm in it!

My Pick:

Pick the one with the biggest worm, drink the whole bottle, then eat that sucker!

3. Absinthe

Hallucinogenic spirit flavored with anise.

Pros:

Unlike Sambuca and Ouzo, Absinthe kicks serious ass. Also, it’s actually a liquor, not a liqueur. Let’s get this straight, absinthe is so hardcore it was banned in the USA. And 2 Live Crew thought they were the only ones. Absinthe is made with Wormwood which is reportedly a hallucinogen. On top of that, the alcohol percentage ranges from 45 to 95 percent. That makes the weakest 90 proof! The strongest, 190 proof! The proof scale ends at 200, folks.

Not only is it strong, but it has it’s own rituals for drinking it. One method requires that you put a sugar cube on a slotted spoon, pour the absinthe over the sugar and then light the sugar cube on fire! It’s like you are making an offering to the absinthe gods!

Cons:

That leads us to our cons, because the sacrifice is sugar, and the absinthe god is not a god at all. It’s a pixie known as the Green Fairy. Perhaps if you burned a hunk of meat over the absinthe and the god was known as Gozer the Destroyer, it would make this drink the manliest of manly drinks. But, there is nothing manly about fairies.

My Pick:

Whatever kind we had shipped over here in a box marked “Paper” so it could make it through customs. It was the clear Blanche/la Bleue style from Switzerland as opposed to the green Bohemian style absinthe made in a bathtub in the Czech Republic (which is most likely colored with anti-freeze).

2. Whiskey/Bourbon/Scotch

Whiskey includes a broad range of spirits distilled from grains or corn and then aged in wooden casks. Bourbon is whiskey from Kentucky, Scotch is from Scottland, and so on. There are distinct differences between them, but they are all equally manly.

Pros:

Whiskey is a man’s drink. Whiskey’s are named after men. Jack Daniels. Jim Beam. George Dickel. Johnny Walker. You get the idea. If you are a cowboy and you are in a saloon, you order a whiskey, gulp it down, and then you shoot a guy. That’s just how it goes. Nobody says anything about it because they understand that you just had a shot of whiskey and that other guy probably had it coming.

Cons:

There are really no cons. Even the most feminine sounding bourbon drink, the Mint Julep, is rich in Southern heritage and downed by rich men at horse races. Perhaps the only downside of whiskey is the associated redneck factor. And I’m not even sure that that should be considered a downside.

My Pick:

Maker’s Mark Bourbon. The perfect balance of smoothness, bite, and flavor.

1. Gin

Gin is a clear liquor made with juniper.

Pros:

Gin is a man’s drink. That’s all there is to it. The girls of Sex & the City tried to ruin the image of the martini with their Cosmos (which are NOT true martinis). Women are always taking our things and turning them girly. They’ve done it with our names (Beverly, Shannon, Stacy – all tough guy names at one time) and they tried to do it with our martini glass, but it won’t work. Pin up girls belong IN martini glasses, not drinking them.

All one has to do is remember that a gin martini is a glass full of straight up gin and a little bit of vermouth. Got that? Straight up gin. That’s not girly. That’s hardcore. There’s a reason James Bond gets all those women, and one of those reasons is that he drinks gin martinis. Gin doesn’t get mixed with fruit. Ever. “What about Gin and Juice?” you might ask. Gin & Juice is consumed by hardcore gangster rappers in the hood. Nothing non-manly about that. Gin tastes like the sweat of a pine tree and grows hair on your chest. Gin and Tonic glows in a black light because it’s practically radioactive, it’s that dangerous. Gin wins.

Cons:

There are none. Gin rules. End of story. If you disagree, go cry about it to your mamma.

My pick:

Hendrick’s Gin. Super smooth and usually difficult to find.

There you have it. You might disagree with my list, but you better have a damn good reason for doing so. If you find this list sexist, you are either a woman, or need to drink more gin or whiskey.

-Justin